Watching Simone Biles battle what she calls “the twisties” and step back from the majority of the gymnastics competition at the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo, has weighed heavily on my heart and made me seriously examine what I call the “press through” syndrome that most African American mothers like myself subject our sons and daughters to.
We mothers know too well the hardships and challenges that our children have to overcome in achieving success in any aspect of life in a racist society. We also know the dark history that has tried to oppress us and treat us inhumanely. So, it seems from birth that we teach our kids to “press on,” “be twice as good,” and “finish strong!” Often, making our offspring feel like they have the achievement of the entire African American race resting on their shoulders. We pound motivating sayings into their heads like “what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger” or when “things get tough, the tough get going!”
It was not until I heard Biles speak of the overwhelming pressure she was feeling as a competing Olympic gymnast that I took a closer look at my own supposed motivating and affirming strategies and techniques. All the years that I thought I was helping my daughters, who are now all grown and thriving in their careers, build mental fortitude and excel in life, I could have just as easily caused them mental stress and anxiety. There was the ever-existing goal to “keep your eyes on the prize” and reach for excellence.
While many of our sons and daughters do rise to the occasion and meet our demands, too many are having bouts with stress, anxiety, and depression. How often do we forget that our sons and daughters are being expected to “press through” during a pandemic where everything in their world has been turned inside out and upside down? It’s a new day and we mothers have to protect the mental health of our children just as earnestly as we push them to succeed.
Biles taught me this valuable lesson. Feeling like the “weight of the world” was on her shoulders, Biles spoke intentionally about how stress was adversely impacting her focus and how she needed to step back to protect her mental and physical health. Biles’ words shocked and stunned the world. I too was perplexed. Initially, my heart grieved because I believed that she needed to just “keep the faith” and “press through!” It seemed like Biles was overcome with fear and giving up, and I had difficulty accepting her decision to step back. How could the “GOAT,” just throw in the towel and let us all down, especially us African Americans who have been holding our breaths on her every flip and landing over the years? Should Biles risk injuring herself to go for gold to seek the applause and praise of us all?
I was one of those backstage “nose to the grindstone moms,” urging her to be resilient and pummel through her stress and anxiety. Thank God, Biles adamantly stood her ground, stood up for her mental health, and shook the whole world into taking a stand on wellness and self-care.
Biles opened my eyes and shifted my perspective. While I was patting myself on the back all these years for setting high expectations for my daughters and basking in the glow of their academic and career success, it never occurred to me that some of my actions were traumatizing. My daughters, now in their late 20s and early 30s, pointed out a few of my indiscretions that caused them stress, pain, and suffering. They spoke humorously about the infamous red pen I used to make corrections on their homework assignments, often resulting in exhausting rewrites. On occasion they said I would even trash their work if it wasn’t “neat and complete.” They explained how betrayed they felt when I most often sided with the teacher about academic or behavior issues and concerns. All this time, I thought I was being a positive, motivating force. My heart sank.
The saving’s grace is that my daughters have forgiven me for the anxiety I caused them. They said they appreciate me, applaud me, and give me accolades for driving them to become the successful women they are today. While their dad was my partner in this “crime,” I know that my mother’s “cut eye” and sharp, razor tongue resonates most and have left traumatic scars. So now as we strive to thrive black, we have to take a different approach to attain success and protect the mind, body, and soul of our loved ones in the process. As Maya Angelou says, “when you know better, you do better.” Let’s all vow to do better as we thrive black!
